Stone Fox Bride

.... and now a few words on this tube top. It's actually a spandex maternity band I wore around my jeans when I was pregnant. After my c-section, I wore it encased around my jellyfish-like belly to keep my innards intact and to protect my scar. About 14 days after I had my 2nd baby, I had to head into the city to meet with my book agent @laursmythe. I wore this band under a dress. I was lactacting heavily, deprived of sleep, and feeling like a large, dazed moose. As soon as I sat down, I realized that I forgot to put my breast pump in my purse. Wanting to appear like a high powered, working professional person perfectly capable of juggling nursing, pumping, running a business, writing a book, managing a challenging marriage and taking care of two babies, I decided to not make a big deal about it. Twenty minutes in, my breasts began to throb. "Give me a sec," I said. I asked the waiter for a to-go coffee cup with a lid, stepped into the bathroom stall, and hand-expressed four ounces. "Go on," I said to Lauren. Enlarged Left Breast began to leak. "I'll be right back," I said. In the stall, I began to pull, maul, tug and press my left breast in order to create a makeshift steel vice of flesh and bone with a wild Athenian strength (to this day, I swear to god, you can still see the repercussions of what I did; my left boob is a long wrinkled sock). Another four ounces appeared in the cup. Later, at the subway while fumbling for my Metrocard, I realized that my right hand was so cramped and carpal tunnelled from all the hand expressing that I could not work the zipper on my wallet. What to do. Breasts were throbbing again. Milk had to soon go in fridge. I decided to jump the turnstile. Whoops. The cops saw — and despite my audacious display of hysteria and #whiteprivelege featuring the words "mastitis", "La Leche League" + "prolactin levels"— they slapped me with an $100 fine. I know there are tons of chic tube tops out there, but come every summer, I can never bring myself to buy one. Because nothing will ever look as good on my bedraggled, stretched boobs as my trusty milk-splattered belly band, rich with colostrum and mammaries. #stonefoxride. Pic by @lawofruby