Reader With Cheapskate writes,

I have been dating a man for the past 7 months and have recently moved in with him. We are blending our families (his two sons aged 11 and 7) whom he has 50% of the time and my two children (aged 4 and 8) whom I have full time. Both of our prior relationships with our children's parents were very dysfunctional and we are both trying very hard to proceed in this relationship being careful not to repeat past mistakes.

Our primary issue seems to be money. Originally when I moved into his house, I agreed to pay $700 all inclusive plus we would alternate weeks for groceries. Because he had been "burned" in the past by his children's mother who defrauded him out of thousands of dollars, his family, whom I love dearly and are very level headed people, encouraged us to sign a cohabitation agreement which protects his interests in his home in the event that we ever separate. Being a good sport, I signed this agreement even though I personally though it unnecessary. I told him because of this I would not pay any money toward his mortgage or renovations to the house, considering I would reap none of the financial reward. We do not have a joint bank account.

The problem is that I am in the negative every month with this arrangement. Originally he said $600/month for rent. Then we agreed to increase to $700 because winters are horrible and long and heating costs are high.

He encourages me to fix up the house and make it a home for us and I am eager to do that. Originally I would buy the items and we would split the costs... but when I asked for his half of the money he never had it, or would give it to me later. It would turn in to a scenario where I would have to start asking repeatedly, which I am very uncomfortable doing and is a major trigger for me from my past relationship (which he knows), and basically I would never get the money. So I stopped. I ask him for the money in advance. The problem is that he keeps saying he has no money and refuses to give me any. Or he argues about the necessity of what I am doing (coat racks for all the winter gear for 6 people so it's not flung all over the living room!).

He works a fulltime job plus odd jobs, so he has a lot of extra income plus my rent, and yet he still claims to have no money. My expenses have increased since moving in with him. For example, now that I live out of town, driving to work is extra gas. My family is not here to babysit, so now I have to pay a sitter. When it's my turn to buy groceries, I am feeding his children and him.....

This month, I showed him my bank statements. Due to some unexpected expenses, I have $5.88 in my bank account till next Thursday, and about $45.00 on my credit card. We are squabbling over $5 that he owes me when I had to buy "elf on the shelves" for his kids and he didn't give me enough money and I had to put it on my credit card. He has owed me the difference for about three days and I am getting very angry. He has spent over $500 on his children for Christmas (using my rent money) while I will only be able to afford $100 for each of my children.

I love this man. Other than this issue, he is wonderful and our families are blending very nicely and I am very happy. But this issue with money is reminding me of my ex (whom made a lot of money and I had to file for bankruptcy while living with him because he would not share or offer to cover expenses, while I was off on maternity leave with the kids). This makes me feel resentful and brings up trust issues, because if I can't trust him to pay me back $5, what does that say about things?

As I discuss here, there is a lot to be concerned about when a partner is cheap, and particularly when they renege upon financial agreements. This man doesn't sound like he wants to split money evenly. He is generous with his own kids, providing them with a lot of Christmas gifts, but with you, he is far from generous with you, financially or emotionally. He is dismissing your anger and sense of injustice about finances, which is emotionally hurtful.

Financial withholding is on the same plane as emotional withholding. I would imagine that even further back than your ex, you experienced emotional withholding from a parent, which made this dynamic with two consecutive financially withholding men seem familiar on a deep level. I believe that you are so desperate for this relationship to work out, especially since your kids are involved, that you are ignoring the signs that your boyfriend may not be fully able or willing to merge your lives. First there's the pre-nup, then there's his baggage from his ex, then there's the lack of a joint account, even for big line items like rent. It is possible that your boyfriend is keeping his guard up, and may not trust women because of his marriage. He may subconsciously believe that all women are out to get his money, which some guys believe. On your end, you are enabling his self-centered behavior by continuing to spend money on him and on your home even though he's not reimbursing you. You likely need to explore your tendencies toward codependency.

I recommend that you two see a couples counselor as well as a financial planner. A therapist can help with the resentment that is creeping up on both sides, and explore how financial issues lead to emotional disconnect. A therapist can also help you explore how each of you grew up financially, which may be impacting your different ideas about how much money "should" be spent on the kids and the home. A financial planner can help you figure out what exactly you need to spend and to save, as well as how to budget. (For instance, buying multiple elves on shelves may not be the most financially sound choice when you have less than $5 in your bank account. One elf can do the job.)

Thanks for writing in, and I hope he gives you the $5. Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Stay Away From Withholding People.

This post was originally published here on Dr. Psych Mom. Follow Dr. Rodman on Dr. Psych Mom, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest.

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