Reader Married To Mom writes,

My fiance and I were high school sweethearts and have been together since 1998. We've had our ups and downs like any other couple but for the last six years he's been living with his mother who had a severe spinal cord injury and has other numerous health problems. She says I can't live with them because she has a really small place, which is true. Currently, she has recovered but still needs a lot of help with the activities of daily living. Then she recently had surgery and is recovering from that.

We have talked to her about our desire to get our own place together and she says she's all for it, yet her actions say otherwise. Every time we even bring it up she says, "But I need him." He and I have lived together in the past. I brought up the idea of the three of us getting a house together so that way he and I could live together as a married couple like we used to but she could still have all the help she needed. While she says she's all for that I feel like she is purposely pushing me out of the picture. I think she's just hoping I will go away.

I see the tremendous stress that he's under and I do everything I can to help the both of them. I've researched different agencies that would help with respite care so that he could have a break but she said she doesn't want strangers in her house. I don't know what to do.

Sometimes I'm ready to just walk away because I've been hearing the same story for six years and it seems like nothing is changing. But I love him, and otherwise the relationship is great. He treats me really well. So what should I do? Should I just cut my losses and walk away or should I stick it out? Honestly, me and his mom to have a good relationship. She's been more like a mother to me than my own mom has but at the same time I think she's jealous of me and is doing everything in her power to keep me and him from starting our lives together.

She invites me over to spend the night once in awhile so that I can spend time with him but she controls when and how long I can see him. I'm thirty-three he'll be 36 in August. I'm just starting to feel like there's no end in sight. What should I do? Thanks.

I was really hoping you were going to say you were 23, not 33. 33 is a long time to be living this way. You are completely correct in your thought that this mother is hoping you'll go away. She is enmeshed with her son, which is what it's called when a parent has no boundaries. She doesn't want her son to move out and start his own life; she basically treats him as a surrogate spouse.

This situation is similar to yours, except it's not as bad, because at least in that case the dad wants to live with them and not vice versa. So I am giving you the same advice as I gave that women, but even stronger: Get out. Your fiance lets his mother make all of his decisions. He is 36 and unable to have his fiance sleep over his house more than every so often. This is not the behavior of a functional adult.

Do not keep offering to have a home with the three of you. If there was any possibility that your fiance's mother wanted him to be happy, she would have jumped at this win-win situation- she gets to have continuing care and you and he get to start your own life in your own home. The fact that she didn't want this set up means that she truly wants her son all to herself, and if you somehow finagled your way into a home with the two of them, it would be virtual prison, where both of you are dependent to her needs and desires.

The fact that this controlling, self-absorbed woman, who likely has Borderline Personality Disorder, is "more of a mother to you than your own mom" is very telling. If your own mother was more selfish than this, it is no wonder that you have put up with this for so long. I suggest that you run, not walk, to the nearest therapist, who can help you explore what in your early life led you to this place where you would accept being a 33 year old woman who is told by her fiance's mother when and or how long she can see him.

I am not trying to be harsh, but rather to give you the blunt truth, hoping that it works as a wake-up call. You deserve better than this. And, as an aside, if you want children, you can never have them with this man. He already has a child, and it is his mom. Also, if you married your fiance somehow and something happened to him, guess who you'd be responsible for? Here's a glimpse into what that would look like.

Please end this relationship and get the counseling you need to see that you need and deserve to live your own life, with a partner who is an adult. Your fiance may treat you nicely day to day, but in terms of being able to stand on his own two feet and start a life together, he is no more than a child. Good luck, and keep me updated. Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Get Out Get Out Get Out!

This post was originally published here on Dr. Psych Mom. Follow Dr. Rodman on Dr. Psych Mom, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest.
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