Reader Lonely In Bed writes:

I had prostate cancer and after radiation I had a long period where I didn't have control of my bladder. I started sleeping in a chair and she slept in bed. We lived two months with my daughter and her husband where beds were in short supply.

Once our house sold, we moved to a three-bedroom apartment with our 20-year-old son.

When we got here, she slept in the third bedroom. I got pissed, and she slept with me a couple of days and moved onto the couch because she wants to watch TV. I bought a TV for the bedroom and she said a bedroom clock was too bright.

I unplugged the clock and she said she needs a blow dryer on all night. I told her that doesn't matter and she can leave it on in the bedroom.

I asked about hygiene and everything else, and nothing she says lets me think she is disgusted by me.

She told me she doesn't like the bed which is the same kind in the third bedroom which she apparently she did like.

I have been seeing a counselor, because I want to do whatever I can to get her to sleep with me again. I can no longer get an erection, so sex no longer is possible. I don't think that is a concern of hers as she was always willing, but after menopause wasn't really interested.

I am 61, and she 60. We have been married 25 years with two adult children together and two adult girls who were mine. I have mobility problems and am disabled. She quit to stay home a couple of months ago. We seem to get along well. As an example we played cards on our patio most of the day yesterday and plan a long drive in the mountains today.

I feel sad about everything you are going through. It seems like you vacillate between an objective understanding of this situation and denial. To me, it's fairly evident that your wife is no longer interested in sex or physical affection, and, especially given your inability to get an erection now, she assumed that this part of your life is over and now you've moved on to just being parents/grandparents and companions. Since she does not miss or want sex, so she will not likely try anything instead of intercourse either, like manual or oral stimulation. She makes excuses of every sort in order to get out of sleeping in the same bed, and obviously doesn't want to hurt your feelings, but she REALLY doesn't want to sleep together.

I empathize with your loneliness, but this will likely not be assuaged by forcing her to sleep in your bed against her will. You may want to reframe this situation. Many couples sleep apart, and are no worse for wear. If you miss cuddling, then ask for that during the daytime. Your wife has gotten used to sleeping separately and probably doesn't know why you are making such a big deal about it. You can directly tell her how sad you feel about your lack of a sex life, and how important sleeping in the same bed is to you, but you also need to give her options. If she would hold hands, cuddle on the couch, kiss you -- would those things be good substitutes to sleeping in the same bed?The hard truth is: If sleeping together is essential for you, you will have to make your peace with not having it, or else consider leaving, but it doesn't sound like you want to leave so that leaves you only with option #1.

Try to be flexible and open, and your discussion will be more productive. Who knows, maybe your wife will cuddle more during the day or another compromise. Good luck, and thanks for writing in. And till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says Try And Think Outside The Box Here.

This post was originally published here on Dr. Psych Mom. Follow Dr. Rodman on Dr. Psych Mom, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest. Order her book, How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family. Learn about Dr. Rodman's private practice, including therapy, coaching, and consultation here. This blog is not intended as diagnosis, assessment, or treatment, and should not replace consultation with your medical provider.

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